Struggling
by MondlerGellarBing20
Summary: He kept asking if I really wanted to know, and I said I did, except I don’t think he actually meant to tell me. In the end it just sort of slipped out: "You want to know what’s wrong? I love you!” Story of how BxB get together. Hope you enjoy!
1. Gut feeling

_**Author's Note**_**: Welcome everyone! I hope you enjoy this story! Have fun reading and please review! I had to write this story because, well, ****I just can't get enough of the witty banter, sexual tension and social awkwardness of it all!**

_**Disclaimer:**_** I do not own BONES or any of the characters – though I wish I did!**

She let the scorching hot water wash over her, numbing her senses. She tried to drown her thoughts, her feelings, her worries, in the downpour of water that streamed from the nozzle above her head. She put all her energy into focusing solely on the water which was pounding against her neck and back, slowly but surely loosening her tight muscles. And so far, it had worked. No thoughts of the past day crossed her mind, and she thanked her incredible ability to compartmentalise. Still, she thought, she was not spared the distant nagging feeling that something was wrong, that something had changed.

She remained in the shower until the water ran cold, no longer able ignore the shivers which ran up and down her back. Quickly stepping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around herself, she switched on the heat lights, hoping she would be filled with warmth again soon. She looked around her bathroom, but it was already too late. She had let her mind wander.

She was immediately bombarded with thoughts of _him_, and try hard as she may, she simply couldn't think of anything else. His last three words rang through her ears, over and over again, breaking the deafening silence around her.

_I love you, _he'd screamed_. _How could three words, so small, so insignificant when apart, hold so much meaning when placed together?

Brennan was lost. Lost as what to think, say, do, and feel. She was only certain of one thing – she had to talk to Angela, her best friend, immediately. Only she would know what to do. She pulled open the door and ran out into the living room to grab the phone.

"Angie?" she asked as a voice answered her call.

"Brennan, is that you? Are you crying?" asked Angela, worry clear in her voice.

"Um, sort of." Brennan answered, wiping the salt form her eyes. "I just really need to talk to you."

Angela, incredibly worried now, answered quickly. "Sure sweetie. Are you ok?"

Brennan paused before answering. "Rationally speaking, I am not in any physical pain or danger, and yet..."

Angela cut her off. "Thank god Brennan, you really scared me. I'm coming over now. Will you be alright until I arrive?"

Brennan nodded, despite knowing Angela couldn't see her. "Yes."

Brennan pressed end call, and returned the phone to its dock. Shivering again slightly, she returned to the bathroom, to finish getting ready before Angela showed up. She knew she had about ten minutes.

She dressed slowly, savouring very moment her mind was kept busy. At last she heard a knock at the door, and ran to open it. She was here. Finally.

Angela took one look at Brennan and pulled her into a tight hug. She could feel, just by looking at her, the pain Brennan must be in. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and she looked tired, drained. She had no idea what had happened, but she knew it must have been bad. It took a lot for Brennan to willingly ask for help.

"So," she asked, weary of how upset Brennan looked, and yet eager to find out what had happened, "Spill."

A thousand thoughts ran through Brennan's mind; she realised she had no idea where to start. She shrugged, hoping Angela might know.

Angela knew that look. Brennan was confused. "Sweetie," she started, "who did this to you?"

Brennan tried hard to not replay the encounter in her mind. "Booth."

"Ah," Angela thought she knew where this was going. "He freaked you out. Asked some question about marriage, or relationships, and you flipped out. Am I right? I'm right aren't I?" she smiled knowingly.

"Ange, he said he loved me."

Angela's mouth fell open. "What?"_ What is she talking about?_

"He said he loved me. Or rather yelled it."

Angela was beyond confused. Booth, actually admitting he loved Brennan? Not likely; he barely knew it himself. And risk destroying their relationship? Booth would never do that. Or would he? Maybe he'd finally figured it out. Took him long enough! Anyway, what did she mean 'yelled it'? What kind of way was that to tell someone you were in love with them?

"Wait, did he mean I love you, or _I love you_?" she asked.

Brennan stared back at her friend. Sometimes she just didn't know what Angela was on about. "I don't understand."

Angela shook her head. Of course she didn't. "I mean, does he love you in a friends-kinds-way or is he, you know,_ in_ love with you?"

Brennan sighed. She'd like to know that herself. "I don't know."

Angela chimed in. "Ok, start from the beginning and I'll decide."

Brennan nodded; it was going to be a long night. "Do you remember how we were all at the diner celebrating after we solved the case?" Angela nodded. "Well, Booth came back to my place as usual and we ordered Thai takeout. We'd just sat down..."

"Sweetie!" Angela squealed, "As usual? Why am I only hearing about this now? How often is he over at your place late at night? Has anything ever happened? This is so exciting!" Brennan raised her eyebrows. "Right, sorry. _I love you._ Way more important. Go on."

"Well, we'd just sat down, and I noticed that he seemed, I don't know, different. Rationally speaking he was the same, but I just felt..."

"You had a gut feeling." Angela stated, knowing how hard it would be for Brennan to admit.

"Yes," she said apprehensively, "and though I don't believe in such a thing, it always seems to work for Booth. Anyway, my evidence. He was sitting as far away from me on the couch as he could, and when I asked him if he was having problems outside of work, you know, in the bedroom, or in relationships, he would grunt, or shrug, or change the subject...I was worried."

Angela nodded, understanding immediately."Sexual tension, Bren. That's what you felt. You made him uncomfortable. He doesn't like talking about that kind of stuff with you, because, well, _you_ could very well be theone in bed with him. In fact, he probably secretly wishes... "

"What are you taking about Ange? Me, in bed with Booth? I don't think so." Brennan shook her head, immediately denying Angela's comment.

Angela smiled. "Bren, I didn't say you were, or would sleep with him, or even that it was an option, just that, if things were different then you'd jump each other at the first chance you had. I mean, think about it_ logically_," she drew the last word out mocking Brennan, "if you weren't partners, there would be nothing stopping you from having sex."

Brennan couldn't argue with logic. "I suppose," she started, "but we are partners. Why would Booth feel awkward? It's not like that between us."

Angela rolled her eyes. She really didn't get it, did she? "Because, Brennan, think about it. You are a highly successful, intelligent, beautiful women – of course Booth thinks of you in that way. It'd be weird if he didn't. Plus, didn't he just confess to being in love with you? I bet anything that he struggles with not being with you in that way on a daily basis."

Brennan didn't believe it, and yet she couldn't deny the fact that she'd thought about him in that way before. Tall, muscular...and very HOT.

"That's what I thought," mumbled Angela.

Brennan, ignoring this, continued. "Anyway, back to what happened. I told him that we were partners, and that partners shouldn't have secrets. He told me he was fine, and stood up to leave. But I confronted him. I know that I should have just left him alone, Ange, but I, I..."

"You felt betrayed."

Brennan smiled. Somehow Angela always knew what to say. "Yes. I hate seeing him so vulnerable, and so I kept nagging him. I wanted to help. He continued to get worked up, and then he just snapped."

"What did he say, exactly?" Ange asked, knowing this was the most important part.

"He kept asking if I really wanted to know, and I said I did, except I don't think he actually meant to tell me. In the end it just sort of slipped out – _You want to know what's wrong? I love you!'_"

Realisation flooded over Angela. Booth had in fact meant it. Brennan, of all people, understood perfectly. She'd continued to rub him the wrong way until he'd finally let it slip in anger. Wow. Talk about a tough break. And then it hit her. Where was he? What had Brennan said, and done? She winced at the thought. Damage control would definitely be needed.

"Tempe, what did you do? Where is he?"

Brennan winced. This part was embarrassing. "I didn't do anything. I just stood still. In shock I guess. And then he left."

Angela couldn't believe it. "You didn't say anything? Like, maybe, 'I love you' back?"

Brennan shook her head. "Why would I say that? I don't..."

Angela had no time for her denial. "Temperance. Seriously? We both know, in fact everyone knows, except maybe Booth, that you love him. You always have. You just haven't realised it because you don't know what love is. And because you're scared beyond belief of letting anyone close to you ever again."

Brennan just stared at her. _Her, love him?_

"Brennan, you do. You love him. You are _in_ love with him. And he is in love with you." Brennan opened her mouth in protest but Angela pressed on. "You can't deny it. You want to protect him. You want him to be happy, no matter what. You accept all his beliefs, even though they contradict your own. Oh, and please stop me if these don't apply to you." She paused, waiting a moment before continuing. "You miss him when he's gone. You even miss him when you're with him."

"Why would I miss him when I'm with him?" Brennan asked, confused.

"Fine," answered Angela, "forget that one. You couldn't imagine a world without him."

Brennan had nothing to say. She couldn't argue with logic.

Angela took her silence as acceptance. "See, you love him. And he feels exactly the same way. Except that it's harder for him because he is aware that he loves you. He struggles with it every day. And every time you go on a date, or get angry at him, or cry, his heart breaks. Because he knows that he can never say or do anything. But he's happy anyway, just being close to you."

Brennan was speechless. _He struggles with it every day?_ Could that really be true? I mean he always acted awkwardly when she brought sex up, but she thought that was just his Catholic upbringing. Logically speaking she had never felt closer to anyone, ever, but did Booth really feel that connected to her? So connected that he had fallen in love with her?

"Ok," Angela started, already planning what had to be done in order to fix this whole mess, "Call Booth. He needs to know you don't hate him. Or blame him. Because right now, he's probably sitting at home upset because he thinks he's ruined your partnership, and what you have together. And that's definitely NOT how someone should feel after telling someone they are in love with them. They should be happy, celebrating."

Brennan suddenly felt queasy. Call Booth? She'd admitted to not knowing what to do, but was calling Booth really the right thing? What would she say? He'd probably refuse to speak to her anyway.

Angela sighed. Brennan was still so confused. And that made her vulnerable. "Alright then, new plan – if you don't want to call him, I will. I'll make sure he meant what he said. That way you can be sure of what you feel, and you won't be forced into declaring anything you don't mean. Sound fair?"

Brennan nodded. Relief flooded over her. Angela was going to sort everything out. She just hoped it wasn't too late.

* * *

As soon as Angela hopped in her car, she pulled out her phone to call Booth. She hoped that she would catch him right away; this needed to be sorted out immediately. Instead, she got his answering machine so she left a message.

'Seeley Booth, its Angela. We need to talk."

_**Author's Note:**_** Thanks guys for reading! I hoped you liked it! Please review...I'd love to hear what you all thought...and please feel free to tell me any problems you had! Plus if you guys want to see anything in particular happen, just let me know and I'll see what I can do! (Like maybe...a showdown between Booth and Hodgins...or...a visit from good old Pops!)**

**I hope you stick around to read the next chapter, because, not only will we find out what Booth was thinking, but soon we'll go back in time and relive what happened – firsthand!!**

**P.S. The reviw button is right there in front of you, just a push away...its tempting right??? :)**


	2. The Line that doesn't exist

_**Author's Note: **_

**Thanks to all those who have reviewed!! Each review has made my day! ****In fact, they made me almost as happy – I said almost – as when Caroline made Booth and Brennan kiss...ahhhh **_**that**_** was****a good day! :)**

**So please keep reviewing, because....**

**Lots and lots of reviews = happy author = faster updates and better storylines!!!**

**Anyway...to the story...**

His phone continued to ring in his pocket. He should answer it, he knew he should. _It could be something really important_, he thought, _like a new case_. And yet, somehow, he couldn't seem to move his arm to his pocket. He felt completely immobilised, as if, for some reason, the electrical impulses which told his muscles to move weren't working.

He continued to sit still long after the ringing stopped, until eventually, the silence which surrounded him became so overwhelming that he was forced to move. He slowly stood, his muscles aching from sitting in the same position for so long, and moved towards his bedroom. Pressing play as he passed his stereo, he laid spread out across his bed; hoping sleep would engulf him soon.

With his music turned up as loud as possible, it was incredibly hard to think. The pounding beat was giving him a headache, but he welcomed it, happy to be rid of all thoughts. The music meant it was impossible for him to think about what had happened, stopping him from reliving the past few hours. But most importantly, it prevented him from continuing to fixate on one thing in particular: how he had effectively confessed his love for Brennan and destroyed their relationship all in a matter of seconds. If only unconsciousness would come sooner rather than later.

Eventually, Booth did fall asleep, and like the music, it was a sweet release from reality.

* * *

Booth woke early, the room bright from the sunlight that was streaming in. Usually, he would have shut the curtains the night before, but he'd been such a mess that he'd forgotten – and now he regretted it. As he climbed out of bed his back began to ache, and he realised how awkwardly he'd slept last night. Not good for someone who was trying to avoid a back injury – again. His mind immediately jumped to Brennan, and for a second he was overcome with happiness, not remembering what had happened just hours before. But then, like a wave from the ocean, it washed over him, drowning him in despair and misery – Brennan wouldn't be around to fix his back anymore.

His phone began to vibrate in his pocket, and he reached in to grab it. Clicking on the light, he looked at the screen – 6 missed calls and 2 new messages, all from the same number. Angela. Reluctantly he pressed 'listen'. Booth hoped to god that Angela had called to yell at him about last night, and not to tell him that something awful had happened to Brennan. Knowing it would he his fault, he immediately regretted not answering the phone when it had rung the night before.

'Seeley Booth, its Angela. We need to talk." She sounded angry. Reluctantly he pressed redial; willing Angela would yell at him, because if anyone deserved to be yelled at – it sure as hell was him.

"Hi, Ange speaking," she said while simultaneously yawning. She was incredibly tired from her late heart to heat with Brennan the night before. Plus she'd been so worried she'd gotten almost no sleep. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, Ange. It's Booth. You rang?"

That woke her up. "Yes, I did." She answered amid another yawn, "Get rid of all your plans this morning, because I _really_ need to talk to you. Face to face. I mean, you're smart - I'm sure you know why. But I'll give you a hint anyway – it starts with 'Brennan' and ends in 'I love you'."

"Real subtle Ange – thanks." Booth answered sarcastically. He'd completely forgotten about this side of Angela. He'd expected her to get angry, and yell at him for hurting her best friend – like any normal person would – but Angela had more in common with Brennan than she thought – neither reacted in the way that was expected of them by society. Angela was more concerned with Booth and Brennan's romantic relationship than almost anything else. He knew that it wasn't that Angela didn't care about Brennan getting hurt; it was just that she was so sure that a sexual relationship with Booth would make Brennan happy, that she invested more time in trying to get them together than getting upset over events that had happened in the past.

"So where do you want to meet?" Booth didn't even bother arguing with her. He knew there was no way out - it would be best to just accept that Angela was not going to give up without a fight and get it over with quickly.

"Can we do it at your place? Mine is a mess; and I'd really rather not run into anyone we know - I'd hate to be interrupted."

_I bet you would,_ Booth thought. But instead of taking his anger at himself out on her, he answered calmly, "Sure, my place. I guess I'll see you soon."

"Sooner than you think, Seeley Booth. And don't try and run. You know I'll just find you – and I'll be really mad when I do."

Both could picture the exact look on her face. She was mad...and very determined.

* * *

She didn't even bother knocking. She just waltzed in as if she owned the place. Booth couldn't believe it.

"Does NOBODY knock anymore?" Booth asked Angela angrily. He was having flashbacks to when Brennan had just let herself into his apartment...and then his bathroom.

"Sorry," she answered, though she didn't really sound sorry at all, "it was unlocked. I didn't think it would be a problem. You knew i was coming, its not like..." she paused, taking in his reaction to her comment, "...oh that's right! You're all skittish because Brennan walked in and you were naked. There's really no need to be embarrassed Booth, there's nothing wrong with a man and a women..."

"Enough." Booth didn't need Angela making it any harder on him. He also didn't need to be reminded that Brennan and him didn't have a sexual relationship – _and never would,_ he reminded himself. "Can we just get this over with please?"

Angela suddenly felt sorry for Booth. She realised how hard it must be for him, and how insensitive she'd just been. I mean, he was the one that had just been rejected by the love of his life. "I'm really sorry Booth. I know I've been snappy, I just..."

"I know, don't worry about it. You care about Brennan – I get that. I feel the same way. And believe me, I hate myself right now. I just...I mean..." He paused, not able to find the right words. He looked up into Angela's eyes, "Ange, what have I done?"

Angela had never seen Booth so vulnerable. She walked towards him, wrapping her arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. "You know, its not as bad as you think it is."

Booth grunted; he found that hard to believe. "No, I'm sure its much worse."

Angela knew it would take a lot to convince Booth otherwise. "Booth, come over to the couch and sit down. How about I make you a cup of coffee – strong, just how you like it – and we can start from the beginning." She left Booth on the couch, and walked towards the kitchen. But just before she turned into the kitchen she added, "Booth, she's fine, really."

* * *

"Booth, I need to know what happened."

Booth sighed. He been trying to avoid revisiting last night, it was just to painful _– but I guess its time,_ he finally thought, _no use crying over spilled milk._

"Well Ange, I honesty don't know. I don't know when I fell in love with her – it just sort of happened. But I guess I've known for about a year," on Angela's disbelieving look he added, "I mean actually known. I know you think I've always been in love with Brennan but I haven't. Sure I've always been attracted to her, and felt protective of her, but I sort of decided right from the beginning that I was never going to let love be an option because I knew that we could never cross that line, you know?"

Angela shook her head. _The Line._ How many times had she heard about that one from Brennan? Too many to count. "Ok, so what changed?"

"I couldn't help it anymore. I tried not to have these feelings Ange, but I just couldn't ignore what I felt any longer. And she didn't make it any easier. She would always start talking about sex – and that made it really hard for me."

Angela smiled, "I bet it did."

Booth rolled him eyes. Same old Angela. "So anyway, I guess the first time I really knew that I was in love with her was when she said she wanted to have a baby using my sperm. I just couldn't let her do it alone. And that's when I realised – I was not just being protective of her, I actually wanted to be with her. And it scared me."

A huge smile spread across Angela's face. "Booth honey, that's exactly how Brennan feels. You had to be the one to take that first step – because she has to know how you feel – but she needs time to decide how she feels." She looked over at Booth, who nodded.

"Booth, can you imagine how hard this must be for her? She doesn't like getting close to anyone because she's scared she'll get hurt again. She also has this incredible work ethic – strengthened by years of you telling her that there is a line and it cannot be crossed – and so she knows even if you wanted to sleep together you couldn't. But on the other hand, she has these feelings for you that she just doesn't understand, and that is so confusing for her. You have to give her time."

Booth understood completely. He knew Brennan. He knew how she felt. He just couldn't believe what he'd done. If there was any way to tell Brennan he loved her it was not by yelling in her face. "I just...can't believe I ruined everything. She probably hates me right now." _And she always will_, he added to himself.

Angela sighed. _How was it not getting across to him?_ "Booth, you don't understand. She doesn't hate you. She's just confused. She doesn't understand how she feels. In fact, she doesn't even know what love is, and that makes it so much harder for her. She likes to be in control, and she's not. It scares her."

Booth sighed. "I just don't know what to do. I don't think we can work with each other anymore. I crossed the line, and there's no turning back." Booth sighed. He really had messed up.

"Booth, forget this 'line' you have formed in your head. It doesn't exist. It is just another excuse for you both not to be together. Hodgins and I were together and we worked together. You and Cam were together and you worked together – you didn't have a problem with it then, so why should you now?"

That was true he thought.

Angela continued. "Booth. You both created this 'line' in your heads so that you could work without having to consider the fact that you were attracted to each other. This way, you could both just pretend that there was nothing between you because in the back of your mind you knew nothing could ever happen anyway. You used it as a coping mechanism, but over time it stopped working. Eventually you both realised – I'll be it subconsciously – that you were kidding yourselves. You had feelings for each other that just couldn't be ignored."

Booth shook his head. "See Angela, that's where you are wrong. I might have feelings for Brennan, but she doesn't have feelings for me. I'd know if she loved me – and she doesn't."

"Why do you think she is willing to change her outlook on things for you? See Booth, she doesn't do that for just anyone. I'm her best friend and I still can't get her to see the world the way I do and I've known her fro six years– and yet you waltz in here demanding to work with her, and within a few short months she was already joking around. _Joking_ Booth, _joking._ Do you know how huge a step that was? She's different because of you. You were able to achieve what no one else could – and believe me we tried. Obviously she has feelings for you, she loves you – she just doesn't know it."

Just then her phone began to ring. She reached into her handbag for it. Pressing the green call button she said "Ange speaking." She smiled. "Yes, ok. That's great. They'll see you after lunch then. Bye." And she hung up.

"Who's seeing who after lunch?" Booth asked, slightly worried about who 'they' may be referring to.

"You and Brennan. I think what you two really need is to have a little chat with Dr Lance Sweets, esteemed psychologist, and Dr Gordon Gordon Wyatt, esteemed psychologist and incredible chef."

**A/N: What did you think?? Was it ok? Please help me out by reviewing and letting me know! I'd love hear what everyone thought. Plus if anyone had any ideas or suggestions for the story feel free to tell me – I'd love to hear them and I'll try as hard as I can to make sure I can fit any suggestions in somewhere!**

**P.S. Just watched the 100****th**** episode of Bones. It was absolutely amazing. MIND BLOWN. There is **_**so**_** many more ways I can take the story now!!! So excited!!! But instead of talking about it here (I don't want to give anything away!) I better get back to writing and start on the next chapter...so bye!!**


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